Your Body is Speaking! But What is it Saying?
Why is it that some talented, hard-working people don't get the promotion they deserve?
One reason is that they don't project confidence and credibility in their interpersonal style.
Their performance may be stellar, but they don't look or sound credible.
People don't always have the time or information to judge you on your actual record, so
they base their decision about you on your self-presentation. Do you look confident, or do
you come across as nervous or uncertain? Your non-verbal cues signal how you perceive
yourself--which in turn teach others how to regard you.
Two aspects of non-verbal behavior that will enhance your credibility are good eye contact
and confident hand-shaking.
The Eyes Have It
It is no accident that in many languages, eyes are said to be "the gateway to the soul." It
is through the eyes that we meet others. Eye contact is a highly sensitive function of the
body, and the rules for appropriate eye contact vary widely from culture to culture. What I
say here is not universally applicable. If you're heading to Japan on business, for example,
you need to do research on Japanese business etiquette rather than automatically apply
the suggestions here.
My rule of thumb, however, is to err on the the side of directness. You're more likely to
appear confident if you look someone in the eye than if you avoid eye contact. If it is
uncomfortable for you to look at people directly, try looking at the person's forehead.
Unless you're in very close proximity, you'll appear to be looking in their eyes while still
giving yourself the space you need.
Under stress, most of us want to avoid eye contact. When we feel criticized, when we've
made an error, when we're given public recognition--these situations, for many of us,
make us want to stare down at the floor or up at the ceiling tiles. But difficult though it is,
it's important to give eye contact even under pressure. We appear willing to face difficult
situations when we--literally--"face" people and look directly at them.
If you're talking with two or more people, make sure you don't focus on only one. Those
who are left out will feel invisible, unimportant, and possibly even insulted. Eye contact is
a form of inclusion!
I Want To Hold Your Hand
Hand-shaking is one of the oldest forms of establishing credibility. In ancient time, to offer
one's hand meant you could be trusted; your empty hand held no weapons. Today, it
communicates good will, teamwork, and inclusion.
Because we are in a period of transition with respect to gender roles, some people are
confused as to who should shake hands with whom. Any time the rules are in flux, a good
policy is to take the initiative.
Practice being an "equal opportunity" hand-shaker. Offer your hand to everyone,
regardless of age, gender, or seniority. Don't wait to see if they offer first. If you hesitate,
it may not happen, and you'll have lost a valuable opportunity. Since touch is our most
primitive and powerful sense, it can create rapport like nothing else.
It's useful to start and close an interaction with a hand-shake. It acts as an ice-breaker, a
bridge ("we're in this together"), and a way of physically cementing whatever agreements
were made. In situations of animosity or distrust, it's especially helpful. When I worked
with police detectives, they told me they would begin an interrogation with a suspect by
hand-shaking. This conveyed the message, "I am establishing rapport with you in the
hopes that you will cooperate and tell the truth."
Some men tell me they're not sure what to do when meeting women, having been taught
that they should not shake a lady's hand if she doesn't offer it. It's possible on rare
occasion you may offend a woman by offering your hand, but it's much more likely you'll
offend by excluding her. Don't change the intensity of your hand-shake based on gender.
Women in my audiences universally say they dislike a wimpy, half-hearted hand-shake. A
few men worry that their grip will be too forceful. Relax--the musculature of a woman's
hand is not fragile!
If you're a woman, don't forget to shake hands with other women in business. This may
be a new practice, because although women historically have touched through hugging or
kissing on the cheek, most women don't have a tradition of hand-shaking with other
women.
As with eye contact, hand-shaking is a form of inclusion. Be careful not to avoid people
with disabilities. In my seminars, people with disabilities report that others rarely shake
hands with them, which makes them feel even more uncomfortable. If the person you're
greeting has a disability or an injury, offer your hand anyway; they will let you know what
is comfortable.
And make sure you really offer! Some hands barely emerge from the harbor of the body,
making the other person do all the work. Offer a complete, enthusiastic hand-shake that
says, "I'm glad to meet you!"
In one of my seminars, a participant told a story that illustrated the power of
hand-shaking. On his way out of the office for lunch, the participant, a mid-level manager,
ran into an Executive VP of his company, whose office was located in another branch. The
man in my seminar went up to him and offered his hand. The VP just stood there, looking
at the hand. For a moment the hand hung between them, mid-air.
The unrequited hand-shake--our worst nightmare! The man told us, "To this day, I detest
this guy. I can't stand him."
Who can blame him? Who wouldn't feel insulted by this rejection?
So take a small risk. Offer your hand with good will, and see what positive relationships
grow out of this simple human act.